February 21, 2014

Being unemployed for 7 months has afforded me a great deal of time for introspection. Maybe too much time. I know I made some mistakes professionally, in the course of my career. And in that, I think I am among the many, not among the few. Thankfully, there were no major irreversible ones. And I’ve definitely made some mistakes personally. I have had a lot of time to consider those mistakes…and to think about the kind of person I am and the kind of person I’ve always wanted to be. It’s actually something that I’ve always thought about on some level…because I was raised by a mother who was very loving, thoughtful, self-sacrificing, and just plain kind. She taught us (my sister, brother and me) to be grateful, to appreciate small things, to notice the beauty of the world in everything and to follow the Golden Rule, of course.

Winter white Hydrangea.

In the last few years in Boston, I think I unconsciously suspended that “molding-of-self” while trying to just plain catch up with life. At times, just surviving took priority. We’d gone through a lot of change in the office. I was constantly sleep deprived. I was preoccupied with the wrong things and putting what energy I did have into worrying about what was wrong instead of how much I had been blessed.

I’ve always tried to live a life of gratitude, grateful for the smallest of things. I would always say an audible “Thank you” to the Parking Fairy when I came upon a great parking spot in Boston. Enjoyed the blue, blue skies and the starry nights. And actually, really, stopped to smell the flowers along the way. (And I’ve been teaching Harry to do the same.)

Smelling the flowers along the way.

Blue, blue skies.

But when you are unhappy about one thing or another (or many things) and if you are not cognizant of the power of sadness, you can be swallowed whole. I never went completely off track, Harry kept me righted, but I did derail a few times. I don’t know if any of that really makes sense. Suffice it to say that there are things that I wished I had handled differently. That…is what life is all about though, isn’t it? Experiencing, making mistakes, learning along the way and hopefully ending up in a better place…molded as a better human. It’s all a journey. And a bumpy one at that.

I had gone to a spiritualist named Souda, recommended by a good friend, for a “reading,” for the first time several years ago. I suppose some might think that’s a bit…well…nuts, depending on your belief system. I wasn’t really sure what I believed before I went, but I trusted my friend, so I went. After sitting and listening to her tell me about me…well, I was convinced that she had some kind of something. She told me that angels and spirits talked to her, told her things. She knew specifics - not just generalities - and she offered me some advice that was, after all, just plain common sense: “Live a life of gratitude. Begin every day conscious of what you are grateful for and the blessings that you have.”  She said she knew that I was sad. Granted, it wouldn’t have taken a psychic to see that. Professionally, I was very dissatisfied, actually unhappy. Personally I’d lost a close relationship, a good friend and I was struggling at times as a single parent. She described my aura as gray…very gray.  I didn’t like hearing that. Gray is fine for ferocious thunderstorms but not for humans. I did not want to be gray.

I thought about what she said every single day, made it a conscious part of my day. I thought about my blessings. I spoke them out loud, as I ran errands, did the laundry, cleaned the floor. Even after I was told that my position was being eliminated, I tried to see the blessings hidden in that devastating moment. And I did. It happened on a Monday morning, but by Wednesday, even not knowing what the future would be, I was calmer, less stressed…relieved, really.

Before I left Boston, after being unemployed for 3 months, I returned to Souda once again. I certainly had less stress in my life…well, a completely different kind of stress than what I experienced at the office every day. I had no idea how miserable I was in that position, until I wasn’t in that position any more. That is quite possibly not a great thing to say when you are currently unemployed and hope to be employed again soon, but the truth is that I had done all that I could do in that position – accomplished a great deal and had great successes. So much had changed, though, and it just wasn’t where I was supposed to be anymore.

I wanted to know if Souda could see a change too. I felt very different than I had the day that she described me as gray. I went to see her again.  Immediately after her always spirited and smiling greeting “Hello, my dear,” she said she could see happiness in my eyes and in my spirit. She said my aura was yellow and that she expected it to be pink very soon and that was very, very good. (Harry’s favorite color is pink.) She said that I was on the right path.  She said that Harry and I would be fine. “No despair,” she said, “there will be an offer.” “There will be an offer.” And she kept repeating that. She was referring to a job offer. She had given me hope - hope that I still have…for a job where I can maintain my pink aura and my grateful existence.

It’s not easy…maintaining pink. But everything in life takes effort.

Seven months of unemployment is a long time…a long time to maintain the pink. It’s been filled with emotional ups and downs. And has coincided with some of the coldest winter temperatures on record in Wisconsin. And if you don’t think that adds to the challenge, you should spend a winter here.

It is late February and winter will soon be over. And then comes the season of renewal and reinvention. The journey I’ve been on all along.

I got an email from my friend and former college schoolmate. The subject line said “Winter is not going to last much longer…” He had been reading my blog and he was worried about me. I emailed him to tell him that I was fine. The blog was just a place to write about the journey, that my feelings about this whole process were normal (as far as I know). And that if I weren’t worried about Harry’s future and our future together, there would certainly be something wrong with me.

Many, many friends and colleagues have reached out to me to offer words of encouragement along the way. And frankly complete strangers that I’ve struck up a conversation with at Starbucks or in the grocery check out line have as well. They are all certain that there is something out there for me. Something...where I will thrive and be happy. I am so grateful for those people and their support. Their words of encouragement always seem to drop into my email just about the time I need a little boost. I don’t wish this situation on anyone, certainly. Being unemployed, living with family, single parenting a small child and now without unemployment benefits or any income at all.  I don’t know what we are going to do, but I will figure it out.

I applied today for two different positions based in Washington D.C., both that I am very qualified for. There will be a lot of competition and I just hope that I’ll make it to the interview stage. Remember…take nothing for granted. If neither is the place for me, then there will be another opportunity. I trust that to be true. The passing of time is the only enemy.

The road less traveled?