February 15, 2014

Clark Gable and Burt Lancaster are on a submarine trying to sink a Japanese sub.  It’s an old black and white movie, on public television, with some pretty economical special effects, making it oddly more dramatic at times. 

Honestly, I’ve felt a little lately as though I’ve been cast in a black and white (fairly dramatic at times) bad movie.

I came back from a very long 7 days at the University of Missouri early last week. The days were professionally invigorating; being involved again with colleagues and being so privileged to participate in judging the Pictures of the Year International, a premier visual competition in its 71^st year. It was wonderful to see the images from around the world, to participate in stimulating conversation and to debate the merits of one amazing image over another. But the days were long and exhausting; the travel even more so. Cancelled flights, hours upon hours stuck in airports. At the end of that long week, I just wanted to see Harry’s beautiful, smiling face and twinkling eyes and hug and squeeze him silly!  I missed him so much, called him twice a day most days, just to hear his little voice on the other side of the phone. Mom had told me that she had found him crying “for his Mommy” having gone upstairs to check on him a couple of nights an hour or so after putting him to bed. It had made me teary when she told me that, but also let me know that he missed me as much as I missed him. My little baby…

The Jury Panel for the 71st Annual Pictures of the Year International.

My Alma Mater, the Quad.

Easy return flight from St. Louis to Chicago.
Not so from Chicago to Madison.
I got the last seat in the last row
 on the last plane leaving Chicago for Madison.

I’d had a terrible headache on Tuesday, I’m assuming from sleep deprivation, so I laid down for a couple of hours and the day seemed to fly by. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, I made the regular trek to the public library to continue my search for gainful employment and to work on collecting documents and things to send off to my CPA for my tax return.

Friday was when I fell into the bad black and white drama. I checked in with a contact I’d made when applying for a position with a very highly respected organization, one that I was certain I would be pursued for and one for which I had counted on being invited for an interview.  In my opinion, my skills matching exactly what the position had described and where I would excel. His reply was not what I had expected. I was no longer being considered. He wrote a very nice reply and managed to compliment me while giving me the bad news. When I read his words, all the color went out of the room.  I was suddenly plunged into gray…

Dear Ms. Nelson –

Thank you for contacting me regarding the status of your application. Please understand that due to the high volume of inquiries we receive, we are unable to respond individually to all applicants. As with many of our openings, we were fortunate to have a number of strong and qualified candidates to consider for this position. Given your background and the extent of your experience, any organization certainly would be fortunate to benefit from your talents.  However, as we assessed which applicants to pursue further, we selected those whose qualifications most closely meet the organization's needs at this time. In making this difficult decision, we have determined that your candidacy is no longer under active consideration for this position. We will, however, keep your résumé on file and should an opening become available that more closely matches your background and experience, we will be sure to contact you.

Best wishes for a successful job search and thank you for your interest in career opportunities with...

Warm regards,

Rejection doesn’t feel any better when it’s done politely.

Then I got an email from a former colleague (and friend) who said that after a recent talk with the boss, he was told that he would not be employed (with the same title) in the very near future, but might be able to stay with the company in some capacity. Not as dramatic as what happened to me, he said, nor in such an “out of the blue” manner, but the result – the same. More gray.

The proverbial clouds did not clear on Saturday either, after a rough night of almost no sleep at all, a situation that will require attention immediately. Harry and I are trading in the queen-size blow-up bed for two twins. We’ll be in the same room, but separated.  He sleeps almost motionless when I’m not in the bed, but tosses and rolls and flops and ends up with some part of his little body splayed over me in some fashion, waking me at every turn. I don’t sleep because I’m constantly repositioning him on the other side of the bed, trying to carve out what little space he’s left for me, turning his head back to the top of the bed – instead of his feet - and covering him so he doesn’t freeze overnight, left exposed out in the 64-degree air.

It will be even more reminiscent of my previous stay in that particular bedroom, when my sister and I shared the room as young girls. Twin beds with 70s floral print bedspreads, a bright lime green floor (I think that I’ve mentioned that some of that paint is exposed from under the drab beige that covers the painted floor boards now), bright yellow walls and posters of Bobby Sherman (“The Bluest Skies you’ve even seen are in Seattle,” … Google him) and The Jackson Five. Our walls instead display Harry’s Happy Birthday crown (with the words “Today, I am 4”), his paper plate snake (while studying the letter “j” for jungle), his foam goose with the bright orange beak and one white feather (while studying the letter “g”). And the green paint is covered with oodles and oodles of Harry’s books and a few oddly paired rugs to keep our feet warm while padding around up there.

We are both bound to benefit from the separation, sleeping more soundly and with far less motion.

Anyway, back to Saturday…I spent some of the day in tears. Tired, sad, frustrated and a little discouraged.

The thing is, I know that I’m still a very lucky person.  I have an amazing son, a wonderful family – all who love me very much and support me. It’s just a little tough right now. There is a brighter future out there, beyond the gray. I just have to be persistent and find it.  I will find it.  I don’t think I’d be human, if I didn’t have those kinds of days, some downs to balance the ups.  So, I just need to refocus…again, and get to work. And find work.

Harry repeated his mantra the other morning in the bathroom while brushing our teeth, emphasizing each word.  “Mommy, I want to go home.” “I know you do, Sweetie, I know you do.” And then he quickly added, “We can’t stay here forever!”

Boy, don’t I know it.

Shades of gray.

February 17, 2014

It’s snowing. 3-5 inches expected.

Gas prices went up 8 cents from yesterday.

The Post Office is closed so that I can't mail my tax return out to my CPA.

My unemployment benefits have run out.

It’s President’s Day, so there is no one working in the unemployment office to call…until tomorrow. I think I might be able to file a new claim, but it’s unclear from the website.

Everything’s still a bit gray at the moment.