January 27, 2014

Baby…It's cold outside!  

- 9 degrees below zero, but actually getting colder. -33 below zero windchill.

Jack Frost on the bedroom window.

Harry woke from his nap Sunday afternoon, came down the stairs and into the living room. He saw me working on my computer. “Are you still finding that job?”  “Yes, sweetie, still.” I answered.

He walked over to the chair I was sitting in, crawled up onto the seat and snuggled in next to me. And in that I’ve just woken from a nap little voice, he said, ”Mommy, “I want to go home.”

Sigh. Big…heavy…sigh.

 “Sweetie, we don’t have a home in Massachusetts anymore. Someone else is living in our home.”

“Who? Who is living in our home?”

 “Well,” hesitating, “I don’t really know who is living there, they are strangers.”

“Why are there strangers living in our home?”

“Well…someone else wanted to live there when we packed up and left, so someone is living there…where we used to live.”

“Where are we going to live now?”

“Well, right now, we are living with Grandma, but it won’t be forever.  We are just living here temporarily, for a little while. We have a temporary home with Grandma. We’ll have our own home again soon enough, Sweetie.”

I had hoped as soon as those words came out of my mouth, that I had sounded convincing.  I wasn’t sure that I had. With the passage of more and more time, it is sometimes harder to believe myself.  I suppose that a few doubts and breaks in confidence are normal in this process, but it doesn’t feel good.  It doesn’t feel good at all.

In attempting to feel better, I’ve been on a small self-improvement campaign.  I had been coloring my own grays…yes, coloring the grays, lots of them. I am no where vain enough NOT to admit that. I remember that my Grandmother (my mother’s mother) didn’t have a single gray hair on her head until she was about 75 years old, and then just at the temples! Although I do favor my mother’s side, I think that I can safely say that I have experienced a bit more stress in my life than she in hers. And my belief, of course, is that stress can induce the grays. As a special treat, I decided to go to my mother’s hair stylist to get my hair professionally colored. I used to do it all the time in Boston. Of course that was when I had an income. Whatever it is about going to a salon, no matter how superficial, you always feel better walking out than you did walking in. And I did. Feel better.

Goodbye grays!

Salon cape and Bogs.

Then…I went on the two-week detox diet, featured on daytime television’s Dr. Oz. I started every day with a hot cup of water with the juice of ½ a lemon squeezed into it. All you can eat of low glycemic vegetables, and vegetable broth, no coffee (or other caffeine, just organic green tea), 6 oz. of protein daily, no dairy (except one cup of plain Greek yogurt), no refined sugars and virtually no carbohydrates. The detox part worked, and I lost 10 pounds. I felt more balanced throughout the day without the highs and lows that all those simple sugars and carbs can create.

It’s important to take care of yourself, I know that, but the only thing that will really make me feel better, in every way, is to be employed again…gainfully employed so that I can provide for my son and so that we can get our lives back into our own little routine…uniquely ours and ours alone…and in our own home.

January 27, 2014.  Again.

A “polar vortex.”  That’s what the weather professionals say we are experiencing. All I know is that it is very, very cold. Not just in real temperatures, but in wind chill (the temperature it "feels like" outside based on the rate of heat loss from exposed skin) numbers.

A friend (and former colleague) just sent a message via Instagram: “You picked the wrong winter to be in Wisconsin.” Yes, well…I didn’t exactly choose to be in Wisconsin, but in Wisconsin, I am.

I had gone back home after doing my daily diligence of reviewing emails, alerts, correspondence and network group posts and after searching job sites for new positions.  I had posted the brief earlier post and thought I might spend the afternoon either going through old boxes upstairs in my mother’s house (continuing the process of purging the “extras”) or visit my sister across the street to finish a little sewing project that I had started. I was feeling a bit defeated…down…and even a little sad.

I had initially gone home to try to connect with that friend (who as I remembered is also a Headhunter.) I had called and left a message and then she had called and left a message with another number and well…you know how that goes.  I needed to use the landline at mom’s to have a normal conversation, knowing that if I tried to use my cell, I’d spend the whole conversation repeating, “Can you hear me? Can you hear me, now?”

I dialed the number and waited and after just two rings, she answered. It was nice to hear her voice, an old friend after all. She said that she couldn’t talk long, she had some deadlines to meet, and after a few quick “back and forth” greetings, she went right to the point.  “The truth is, neither my firm or I can really help you.” (It’s not that she didn’t want to help, she really did. It is, however, that she works with CEO-types who pull in millions of dollars in salary, and although I was doing quite well for myself, my salary wasn’t anywhere near a million dollars!)

She did offer some advice: Recruiters are working with LinkedIn profiles. “It’s like a new standard, everyone is doing it in the business.” She explained. “Make sure you know what position you are seeking, and then load your profile with key words associated with that position, that will get you seen in searches.” She added, “Search others’ profiles that are in comparable professions and see what they’ve written. Search associations that might lead to contacts or recruiters and reach out to them. Keep calling and keep looking. Use LinkedIn.

Then she said something that was kind, really, and while I already can’t remember the exact words she used, it translated to “Keep the faith.” And as my voice started to crackle and as the tears welled in my eyes, I could barely get the words out, “I’m trying, but after 7 months, it’s hard.” She added, “You are a very talented woman. Keep it up and I promise you, there is something for you out there.” And then…we said our goodbyes.

I know she’s right. I am talented. I am going to find something. I will find something. And today, all I needed was a few words of encouragement from a good person, a friend, to get me back on track.

So, after a lunch of mixed greens with Albacore tuna, sun-dried tomatoes, avocado and sunflower seeds topped with a light lemon juice and olive oil dressing, a cup of organic green tea and a couple of those wonderful Pepperidge Farm dark chocolate cookies sprinkled with peppermint crumbles, I was on my way to my 4Runner, to make the six-mile drive back to the Public Library and the Internet! Back to work…to find work.

But first, the chores.  The birds are in a feeding frenzy and have been all morning.  Animals are most keenly in tune with the weather and they certainly need to get to the food during the sunshine and daylight hours of said “polar vortex.” So, I assessed the feeders and went off to the garage to get the needed seed. One of the metal cans that mom stores the feed in was near empty, so I had to mix the feed before filling the various feeders. This particular mix consists of one large bag of the Fruit and Nut Blend, about a ½ bag of shelled sunflower seeds and ½ bag of cracked corn, mixed together with a claw garden tool.  Once I had the blend looking reasonably like Mom’s version, I filled the old gallon water jugs to take to the feeders; one jug of the mix, one jug of “waste-free, black oil, sunflower seeds” and one jug of some kind of thistle seed for the smaller feeder and the smaller birds. By this time, though, my fingertips had gone numb (lost feeling) and really began to hurt. (Fingers, toes, ear lobes, or the tip of the nose are the areas most susceptible to frostbite. Your body works hard to keep internal organs and your head warm, and sometimes extremities get left behind.)

A happy Chickadee.

The new seeded treat.

Just a reminder that it’s -10 degrees below zero, with a wind-chill of -33 below.  According to the National Weather Service Windchill Chart, at those numbers, I could have a serious case of frostbite in just 10 minutes! I had certainly been mixing seed, with ungloved hands, for that long. The “polar vortex” is nothing to fool around with and today’s lesson…a stark reminder. 

Brrrrrrrr.